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Kavita Daswani

As a teen, John Tsilimparis experienced a wrenching loss that would later shape his attitudes towards grief.
“I was 15, and my 17-year-old brother passed away. It crushed the family,” he recalls. “It was hard to see my mother, especially, suffer so deeply. And she was never the same after that. She lived about 30 years more, but she was inconsolable.”
At the time, Tsilimparis had no tools to help himself or his family navigate the sorrow.
“Nobody was in therapy,” he says. “It didn’t occur to anyone to find help. So we all kind of went into our own corners.”

Everyone endures loss or tragedy of some kind in their lifetime, and grief is almost unavoidable when it happens. Most who have experienced it want to escape it as quickly as possible.
Tsilimparis, now a psychotherapist and bereavement expert based in Los Angeles, challenges that thinking – he encourages clients to view grieving as a process rich with meaning, growth and beauty.
When he was isolated from family members after his brother’s death, he moved forward by turning both inward, as well as outward towards beauty, art and literature.
“I just found my way through inspiring myself,” he says.
That early experience became the jumping-off point for his new book, The Magic in the Tragic.
Its central message is this: grief is not something to be avoided or rushed through, but something to be immersed in and engaged with as a means of transformation.
The goal of his book was to create an awareness “about moving towards grief as opposed to moving away from it”.
It highlights key ways to cope with grief – not just that over the loss of a loved one, but of anything that throws someone into crisis, such as the end of a relationship, a major financial setback or a terrifying medical diagnosis.

Particularly helpful for him was “inspiration exposure”, involving deliberately immersing himself in art, music, nature – any element that could evoke awe and beauty, even amid his sadness.
“I started to discover that there was value in my … attraction to beauty,” he says. “During my difficult times, it made it easier for me to process my grief because it was a safer environment. It was a place that brought happiness and elation, as well as melancholy.”
He defines the “aesthetic mindset” as “the ability to see beauty, emotional depth and meaning in many, many things – even in sadness”.
This mindset encourages people to lean into their emotions rather than shy away from them, supported by the uplifting power of beauty.
Studies show that the exercise of awe-inducement – bathing yourself in inspiration – activates the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain often associated with the concept of the “higher self” thanks to its role in higher-level cognitive functions such as self-awareness, empathy, moral reasoning and planning.
Awe and wonder can also trigger the release of relieving “feel-good” chemicals such as dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure, reward and motivation that can be especially welcome while feeling anxious.












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A post shared by John Tsilimparis, MFT (@jtsilimparis)



Tsilimparis asks his clients to compile an “inspiration inventory”: to name songs, poems, films, quotes or places in nature that give them strength or stir deep feelings.
“Just that conversation gets them into inspiration mode and opens up this portal of imagination about how there’s lots of beauty even in sadness,” he says.
He recalls a client who was overwhelmed with anxiety, but when she spoke about the melancholy in a particular piece of music, her perspective shifted.
“She switched from being anxious and worried about something she had no control over to being grounded in a feeling that she could relate to.”
He also advises clients to write a letter of sympathy letter – to themselves.
“I have them write as if they’re writing to a friend, to give themselves all the compassion that they’d be giving somebody who was going through grief. Without offering solutions. Without offering fixes. And giving them all the time they need to grieve,” he says.
This exercise is often revelatory. “Most people realise they’ve never given themselves that level of empathy. All they give themselves is blame.”

He cautions friends and family members of those going through grief against standard, unhelpful phrases, like “get over it”.
“If I could, I would,” he says. Instead, he encourages presence and simple support: “You could just say, ‘I’m sorry for what you are going through. And if you ever need to talk and process or vent, I’m here.’ Because that’s really what people want to do.”
Remember that grief has no timeline.
“There is no expiration date on grief. It could be months, it could be years. It just means the wound is still working its way through.”
But transformation is possible.
“People do get better. But you don’t really get over a loss. You just transform it into something different.”
Like what you read? Follow SCMP Lifestyle on Facebook, X and Instagram. You can also sign up for our eNewsletter here.


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Lifestyle

Health & Wellness

Health

‘Inspiration exposure’ – immersing in art, music, nature – made it easier for psychotherapist John Tsilimparis to process his own grief


‘Inspiration exposure’ – immersing in art, music, nature – made it easier for psychotherapist John Tsilimparis to process his own grief.


Mental health

How to cope with grief? Evoking awe and beauty was the answer for this bereavement expert

.css-1c6uqr6{color:inherit;font-weight:inherit;font-size:inherit;font-family:inherit;line-height:inherit;overflow-wrap:break-word;}‘Inspiration exposure’ – immersing in art, music, nature – made it easier for psychotherapist John Tsilimparis to process his own grief

‘Inspiration exposure’ – immersing in art, music, nature – made it easier for psychotherapist John Tsilimparis to process his own grief